4. Mai 2005, 13:59

- in Aken till Sunday evening

2. Mai 2005, 14:13

- almost summer in Berlin - up to almost 30 °C

- was on "Myfest" in Berlin-Kreuzberg

- street-parties, street-concerts

- much police - just some little fights - most peaceful 1st May I ever seen in Berlin - back home already 2 am

1. Mai 2005, 16:29

- last night "Walpurgis-Night" in Mauerpark - till 2 am - much police - no riots

28. April 2005, 19:54

- watched in cinema "The Interpreter" with Nicole Kidman

24. April 2005, 17:40

- was on flea market, bought two books

- driven through the city

22. April 2005, 17:36

- haven't won tickets for FIFA World Cup 2006 in Germany :-(

18. April 2005, 17:30

- in Hamburg in paintings-museum "Kunsthalle"

- watched two videos "Kill Bill Vol. 1" and "Riddick"

- listened to new music

- Pizza in Italian restaurant, delicious ice-cream, excellent fish-meal

14. April 2005, 21:08

I have finished the book.

I have watched "The Phantom of the Opera".

I have found that ice-cream. It's available all around here. Is this the right one?

I will go to Hamburg tomorrow over the weekend, because I think, I wouldn't survive it here alone.

13. April 2005, 17:29

- was in the Stanley-Kubrick-exhibition

28. März 2005, 23:33

I am so desperate, soooooo desperate!!!

Why is life so bad with me?! What have I done to deserve such a painful destiny?!

I cannot sleep anymore, I cannot eat anymore, I cannot laugh or smile anymore...

I have done something wrong again. Although I haven't intended it, actually right the contrary - I wanted to do something nice and good. If this helped, I would beat myself permanently. But I don't know, but always when I try to do anything good, then it turns out to become bad, worse, worst!

I don't know, what I can do now and what I should do to change the situation again. And this makes it even worse, that I feel so helpless, that I cannot recognize any last resort or any solution. And I don't understand exactly, what really happened, and why it has come as it come.

I still cannot understand, why only some stupid flowers could be the reason for such a suffer!

Okay, yes, you have said, that I shouldn't send to you anything anymore. But you also said, as you can see below, that you wanted to receive flowers on Women's Day - so, I looked for a possibility to do so, without a credit card. How could I know, that this is such a problem!? I mean, these are only flowers - not condomes or porn-magazines!!!

So, I guess, it happened like this: The flowers arrived on Sunday, and maybe, he was at the door or he only noticed, that you got them. And then he became angry - don't know why actually - and he said, you have to decide between him and me. And you, of course, chose him. But why he asks you for such decisions?! How could he know, that it is me, who was sending them? Why, in the hell, is he so jelouse? And why is he jelouse on me??? I mean, I am only talking to you, I am hundreds of kilometres away from you, you haven't even kissed me once and first of all, you don't even love me at all! Why he treats you like this, if he is loving you? This must be a really strange kind of love... I cannot understand him at all! Well, I already understood, that I have another definition of love, but has he to seen and to treat you like his private property? And if he loves you, why he wants from you to do, what he knows, that you don't like to do?! So, what does he do, when you are talking to some other male person in Riga? Does he forbid this to you, too? I mean, hasn't he known, that you are chatting with me and that we are just good friends?! If this was a secret, then you had to tell me this! And what about your other online-friends - you are not allowed to talk to them anymore, too?! So, what is so bad then, when friends send some flowers to eachother?! Well, for me this is just a normal thing and hasn't to mean anything. Those were just flowers for Easter - not red roses! So, why is this for him so bad? I mean, you love him and he has you 24 hours a day, seven days a week - what he wants more?

So, but all these questions do not lead to the most important now - that the situation has to change again. I only know, that I have to do anything, but I am just still not sure, what. I just don't wanna do anything, what could even make it worse, although, isn't it already bad enough? The only good thing of all this at the moment I could see, is, that he seems to draw a bit more attention on you again. But this doesn't help me at all! I was also a bit astonished and shoked, that you were able to throw away two and a half year of acquaintance and friendship with a non-telling email. That you didn't and don't even give me a chance to explain and to make it good again. I just need a little light at the end of the tunnel, just a little hope. Maybe after your wedding? I also can accept, when we never meet anymore. If your boyfriend wants, I could swear this to him, too.

I just know, when you won't talk to me anymore, I will try to do anything - I don't know what, yet, but I fear, this might be something strange or stupid. I just cannot let it end, like it is now. I could understand, when it was because of something really bad - but because of flowers?! Hey, Common - this cannot be serious!

In former times, I always couldn't understand at all, when I heard, that someone was comitting suicide because of love-sickness. But today, I think a bit different about them. I feel, how much this can hurt.

I mean, I just wanna talk!!! No mistake in life can be so big, that it cannot be changed anymore.

Please!